the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
