My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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