You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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