i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
