Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Floor bacon is actually really good
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
