dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
