**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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