Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
