I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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