today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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