my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
