you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I'm both gender and math confused
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
