saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
