I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
it was like eating out sand paper
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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