the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
