Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
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he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
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I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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