Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
