honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
My balls are so social today.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
