people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
