my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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