I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
