I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
