i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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