I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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