Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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