were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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