This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
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i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
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The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
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