hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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