if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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