Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
