i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
