There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
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My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
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I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
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