You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Randomize
