You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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