checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
