I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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