And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
