Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
