Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
