I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
