Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
