you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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