my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
