Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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