I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
did i walk over a car last night?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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