I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
