Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
