his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
