I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
