Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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