i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
