I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize
