2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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