No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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