She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
