if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
